Some days I just wonder why I bother keeping a sketchbook full of ideas, as it seems that most will never come to anything. I look around and see how much NEEDS to be done that it seems frivolous to even entertain the idea that I will have free time to develop any of them.
It feels so good to get them out and on paper, but then comes the day when I just look at it all and feel overwhelmed with thoughts of guilt and the feeling that my life will be far to short to see them to the finish -- then follows that inevitable thought... "what is the point"?
I think too, of the projects that seem important to me. Today was one of those days where I could not find any reasoning to explain why I should put time into them. For what purpose am I learning (re-learning?) german? What in heaven's name makes me think that putting ideas into patterns for sharing with others is worth spending time on when so much around me seems more of a priority. Practice those musical instruments, for what? -- who will listen, who cares to?
Perhaps it is my poor abilities for prioritizing that puts me in these funks. And when I am in them, I just shut down. I have so many interests that it it overcomes me to the point of paralysis. I have, at the moment all the lovely leisure that summer brings for me...lighter schedules, less responsibility to others...so why is it when I am gifted with this free time, the leisure that I so long for during the soccer season, I am not driven or even slightly motivated to work on all those ideas floating around in my head? Is it fear of failure? ...fear of SUCCESS? ...do I really need a purpose or goal? ...can I not just enjoy the journey? I don't know the answers...