19 June 2011

...enough drama already!

...ok, must have been a bad day when I wrote that last post.  Looking at the date, I realize perhaps what was triggering all the drama.  DH had been gone a week in Mexico for work, and being the off season for one of my jobs, I actually had some time on my hands to just sit and work a few things out.  It was really just the first step in processing all that is going on here in my little space on this planet.  What with two increasingly independent young adult children and more and more time for myself on account of it, I have had much to sort through. 
  I really put too much pressure on myself to make sure I get it right, the use of my time and abilities that is.  I probably should not do that so much, but that, I am afraid, will be a hard habit to break.  I guess at least I am starting to realize that is what I do.  A wise friend has often reminded me to "enjoy the journey".  I am trying to put that foremost.  (perhaps its time to re-read 'The Art of Pilgrimage'...?)
  When I was a kid, my family - mum, dad and two brothers both younger than I - used to go up north every summer.  It was a trip we sooooo looked forward to each year.  I remember it was nearly the same route each time, but we would amble our way up there stopping at waysides to climb trees, walk paths, have a picnic lunch.  There were regular stops, favorite ice cream shops and the like.  It would take us over four and a half hours to get there, what should have taken 3.5739 hours, if the weather and traffic co-operate!
  So what happened?  It seems these days, when we go anywhere, it is drive like crazy, what's the shortest route, undue pressure to get there in the fastest amount of time so as not to waste any of the vacation time getting to the destination.  And its become that with every day life as well. 
  I think that is what was getting to me last week.  It has become time to redefine focus.  I have had the pleasure of another week to sit on my front porch and think about it.  It is time to start using my time purposefully, even if that purpose is to simply watch in wonder the half dozen or so squirrels romp around the trees in my front yard...while I continue to sit on my front porch and think about it...

11 June 2011


Some days I just wonder why I bother keeping a sketchbook full of ideas, as it seems that most will never come to anything.  I look around and see how much NEEDS to be done that it seems frivolous to even entertain the idea that I will have free time to develop any of them. 
It feels so good to get them out and on paper, but then comes the day when I just look at it all and feel overwhelmed with thoughts of guilt and the feeling that my life will be far to short to see them to the finish -- then follows that inevitable thought... "what is the point"?
I think too, of the projects that seem important to me.  Today was one of those days where I could not find any reasoning to explain why I should put time into them.  For what purpose am I learning (re-learning?) german?  What in heaven's name makes me think that putting ideas into patterns for sharing with others is worth spending time on when so much around me seems more of a priority.  Practice those musical instruments, for what? -- who will listen, who cares to?
Perhaps it is my poor abilities for prioritizing that puts me in these funks.  And when I am in them, I just shut down.  I have so many interests that it it overcomes me to the point of paralysis.  I have, at the moment all the lovely leisure that summer brings for me...lighter schedules, less responsibility to others...so why is it when I am gifted with this free time, the leisure that I so long for during the soccer season,  I am not driven or even slightly motivated to work on all those ideas floating around in my head?  Is it fear of failure? ...fear of SUCCESS?  ...do I really need a purpose or goal?  ...can I not just enjoy the journey?  I don't know the answers...